Jet lag is a phenomenon where a person gets from a place of one Timezone to a place of another timezone in a high speed jet, while sitting his ass off and doing nothing nothing but sleeping, eating and watching a Tiny monitor. Obviously because of the huge difference between the speed of the jet and the speed of the person’s rear, there is a Jet lag. (Note: Jet Lag is not the reason for Flight delays and Jet Lag has nothing to do with Jet airways or Jet Lite).
CODE LAG
A major section of Software Engineers travelling from US to India seem to sleep well during nights without the supposed Jet lag. This is due to the fact that they sleep at work staring at the computer. So if you suffer from lack of sleep due to Jet lag, just imagine yourself looking at millions of lines of C++ or Java code or just imagine looking at a Powerpoint presentation from your HR Department. These things knock you out immediately. I call this Code Lag.
JETTY LAG
While packing, always remember where you packed your underwear. Write it down somewhere or just mark the suitcase. You can also try to keep your underwear in the same suitcase where you carry your expensive new electronic item like LCD TV. The Indian Customs department will do the rest to mark it with a huge ugly cross mark with a chalk piece. If you forget where you packed your underwear then you may have to spend a day inside out in the old underwear, until you find fresh ones or buy new ones. I call this Jetty Lag (Originally coined by Chutneycase in a different context involving super models and what they wear and don’t wear).
SHIT LAG
Shit may come and Shit may go, but Bathroom remains forever.
So obviously whenever you get bowel movement, you just go to the bathroom. If your bowel movement had to happen only in the morning then your bathroom will disappear for the rest of the day and reappear only the following morning.
Since Jet lag confuses your whole body, it can also confuse your internal drainage system. Usually you will be in a fit, do I go before dinner or right after dinner. Do I have enough urge before dinner? Should I eat more to get the push. This my friend, I like to call Shit Lag.
Note 1: Bathrooms are not of standard shape and size in India. So if you are going to be in a place unfamiliar to you, walk to the bathroom and take a look. Depending on what you see there, control what you eat (Otherwise, be ready to sit in an awkward position in the Autorickshaw, till you reach familiar surroundings). No one knows when shit happens!
Note 2: If you see a variation in the speed of shit release (either an increase or a decrease) you are either having diarrhea or constipation and it has nothing to do with Jet lag or the speed of your rear in the Jet.
FUTILE ATTEMPTS
The following attempts will not cure Jet Lag:
1. Running in the airplane as fast as the Jet. I mean if you do this, you will practically knock over the crew selling expensive but duty free stuff, pass through the business class, break open the cockpit door and jump out of the airplane through the front glass window. Don’t try this, even at home.
2. If you are not a Software Engineer, obviously it is difficult for you to imagine millions of lines of code. You can try to imagine yourself as an Indian Govt. servant working as a Head clerk at the Treasury, sipping single tea while staring at a stack of dusty files. Sleep will come automatically.
3. Do not attempt to wear 2 underwears, to avoid forgetting where you packed. This will backfire by creating extra space in your suitcase for your wife to carry some more stuff that may increase the weight of the suitcase by 0.5 Kg, even though your underwear weighs only 0.05 kg.
4. Do not attempt to predict the time of the bowel movement. It is as uncertain as the electron in a Heisenberg uncertainty principle. If you predict a time and stay in your familiar place, it won’t come. If you predict the place where you will feel the movement, it won’t be at the right time. You have to go with the flow, I mean literally.
