The Hitchhiker’s Guide to lose a Girl

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to lose a Girl was meant to be a unique work of literature in reply to the Hitchhiker’s Guide to lose a Guy. The author of the book had intentions of writing about what one needs to do in order to lose a girl, but couldn’t really come up with more than one way of doing it. So the guide became a collection of pitfalls to avoid in the process of losing a girl with two words written on the inner cover of the book in large bold letters.

EAT GARLIC

The author had no hope of selling even 1 copy of the book but in a sheer probability of 2,456,896 to 1 against, luck favoured him and he was able to sell exactly 8,765,917 copies of the book, which incidentally happened to be his Taxpayer indentification number that he had got after applying for exactly 9 times with the Income Tax dept and of course 2,456,896 was the Phone number of Ladies Hostel in his college, which is what inspired him to write the book. This book became the best seller in the lines of “Does GOD have an Attendance register?” by Dichard Rawkins and “Human is a being” by Cheepak Dopra.

The hero of our story Earther Bent simply hates Garlic. If Earther is left in an Island full of Garlic and has nothing to eat but Garlic, he would rather use the shell of the Garlic to slowly cut his wrist and die a lonely death than surviving by eating it. He hated it that much. So when his mother sneaked a Garlic into his bag while returning to his college hostel, he found it and crushed it with his feet and kicked it away. It could have been the only Garlic he had.

Earther is one of those who believes the book would help him lose his girl friend Briticia Makkumilan along with her annoyingly depressed Cat – Darvin, but misunderstands the pitfalls to be the guiding steps, and tries them one by one. It is not his fault really, the book is electronic and it gives out one pitfall at a time as you tap it. And so, Earther is out to lose his girl friend Briticia or Brish for short.

TELL HER YOU LOVE SOMEONE ELSE

If you ever try to say this to your girl friend you have to make sure you are atleast 5 feet away from her. But, Earther was so eager to lose his girl, he didn’t read the “CAUTION” message that came out beeping from the book. It is advisable to have a single tea with bun from the local tea shop before doing this.

Earther: Hi Brish, I am in love with someone else, sorry!

The next thing he knew Earther was found sleeping on a hospital bed lying flat on his tummy. He was about to be taken in for a minor procedure in order to remove a Size 7 High heel shoe that was embedded 5 inches deep into his rear (which could have been 3 inches if Earther had the tea and bun and caused himself to constipate). It is one (Divine) feeling when something comes out of A hole and it is another (brutal) feeling when sharp things are pushed inside.

Darvin: Oh Great! I have to spend another stupid day, Shoe shopping with her!

TELL HER YOU ARE TRANSFERRED

This is a highly specific case and will work only on a certain class of Individuals who work in a transfer prone job like District Collector, Sub Inspector, US Temple Priest, or a Software Engineer. But Earther was just a lazy college student with a knack of incomplete reading, and so he thought that this particular category applies to him too and comes out with a seemingly brilliant yet totally stupid excuse:

Earther: Hi Brish, I am getting transferred to London, UK next week.

Brish: To do what? For what? To fail in your exams and receive “U” grade in London. Is that much more respectable than achieving it in India? Or did you take up a job of a Janitor in the Tube (Subway train station)?

Under normal circumstances, a person hearing this comment will be hanging upside down from the Tamarind tree just to let out the feeling of anger and shame from his brain, but Earther was too numb from the painkillers taken from the previous in(ac)cident.

Darvin: I bet the Janitor job is more satisfying than doing a job of cute little kitten in her hands!

TELL HER YOU DRINK AND SMOKE

If you don’t really do something, you have to be careful when you lie about it. Earther is someone, what most people would call in college as Fruit face. The most intoxicating experience he has ever had was by drinking the spoilt milk (served as curd) in the hostel mess. So obviously his excuse of being a drunk moron who lets out smoke from every opening in his body didn’t strike too well.

Earther: I drink a lot and smoke. In fact I am very close to getting a drinking problem.

Brish: Which brand do you smoke? I smoke a lot and whenever I smoke I cannot help but sip some vodka from my water bottle filled with vodka. I think we should see a therapist together.

Another flop plan from Earther.

Darvin: Oh Humanity, It is better to stay intoxicated than undergo the depressing suffering of consumerist life!

USE IMPROBABILITY SCREWDRIVER:

Improbability screwdriver is a small object, which when used to turn a knob in the book, will turn you into a random object, take you away from your current girl friend and make you a boyfriend of another single girl, instantaneously. It is highly risky as it may lead you to a girl that you may not like, but it was a risk that Earther was willing to take.

The feeling when you operate the improbability screwdriver is very close to the feeling when you take your brain out of your skull and look at it while beating your ear with the other hand. This is the exact same feeling you will get by drinking Tantramatic Tea-Twister, more commonly known as Iced Tea with Thai Chilli sauce.

Earther puts the screwdriver into the knob and turns it clockwise exactly 23 degrees as written in the manual (23 was the bus number that Earther used to travel, to go to movies). In one instant, Earther turns into a scare crow made of hay and quickly turns back into his original form, with a few bunch of hay still stuck in his ears. Amazingly with a probability of 4,876,134 to 1 against, a number that amounted to the total number of people to ever have crossed the ladies hostel, Earther is left back with his original girl friend. It was the 143rd possibility out of 278 possibilities when you turn yourself into a Scare crow from the improbability screwdriver. 143 stood for I Love You (I – 1 letter, Love – 4 letters and You – 3 letters).

This could mean one of the two things with equal probability:

1. Earther cannot dislike any other girl more than Brish.

2. Earther and Brish are made for each other.

Darvin: Can I borrow that Screwdriver? I need to drill a hole in my head and see if I feel better.

TELL HER YOU ARE GAY:

This is a commonly misunderstood reverse trap. While this works on Men, it really doesn’t work on Women. This is because a Man’s brain is filled with nothing but the 3 letters X,S,E (not in that order) while a Woman’s brain is filled with A-Z, a-z, 0-9,!@#$%^&*() 8,765,917 times (same as number of copies sold, Pay attention! and oh, not in that order). So this is what happened:

Earther: Hi Brish, I am Gay.

Brish: Oh, that’s so cool. We can now be friends for ever. We can hang out together, may be we can have a Makeover party, I can do your nails and you can do my hair. It sounds fun! Yippieee!

Apparently Earther didn’t know how to anwer to that reaction and just muttered 4 letters – P,A,R,C in the reverse order.

Darvin: Oh! atleast you have 3 letters in your brain stupid man!

EAT GARLIC:

Now Earther is at the last and only step that he can do but he really doesn’t like to do – Eat Garlic. Worse, he had crushed and kicked away his only Garlic that his mother gave or so he thought. He nervously puts his left hand into his pant back pocket and is surprised to see a piece of Garlic left out from the big lump that his mother gave. With utmost disgustion he puts that small piece of Garlic in his mouth and chews it.

Earther: I think you misunderstood Brish. I was saying I was Gay as in I was happy. I am very happy to be with you. I love you, In fact I want to spend the rest of the life with you.

Brish: Oh, Earther! I knew you loved me.

Darvin: Oh Garfield, the Cat God! This is more depressing than a Karan Johar love story.

Earther swallows the Garlic piece. The juice of the Garlic reacts with the stale Sambar rice he had in the mess in the afternoon. Garlic reaches the stomach and enhances digestion so much that it creates a by product in a gaseous state. Brish gets close to Earther to kiss him. Earther is now giving a sheepish grin as he approaches Brish’s lips. Brish’s face is now showing some discomfort from the stink coming out of Earther’s mouth and just then Earther relaxes to set off the byproduct filling the atmosphere surrounding him and Brish with a smell of bad sambar, rotten egg and chinese sesame oil mixed together.

Brish: Oh … Yuck … You stink! Don’t you ever come near me again! I hate you. Get away!

Brish pushes Earther away and runs into the Hostel towards the left to her room.

Darvin: Not that you really care, but your room is on the right!

Earther walks off merrily singing the tune: “So long … So long … So long…” and finishes it merrily:

“So Long and Thanks for all the Shoes!”

“Software Engineer”ed cooking

I was wondering what would happen if Cooking is treated as Software development, following all the Software Development Life Cycle steps. To keep it gender neutral I will use terms like Honey and Spouse to refer to either sex.

The Non-cooking spouse sends his/her requirement for dinner to the Cooking Spouse via e-mail:

“Honey, I would like Venn Pongal and Sambar for tonight’s dinner. Luv – XXX”

Cooking spouse replies to the e-mail:

“I am sorry but your requirements are unclear. What kind of Sambar do you need? Do you also need Coconut Chutney? I know it is not mentioned but I have to ask to keep my customer delighted”

Non-Cooking spouse now gets careful and writes up a Requirment document and sends it to the Cooking spouse, the excerpts of the document is given below:

“Objective: To have dinner tonight

Requirements:

Req 1: Venn Pongal made using Sona masoori rice with less usage of Pepper corn and more Ginger. Rice has to be slightly over cooked for better taste.

Req 2: Onion Sambar with bits of carrot. Sambar can be made using MTR Powder if home made powder is unavailable. (Note: Use less tamarind paste as it will be too sour from me).

Platform: Standard Indian Kitchen with Standard Crockery items.

Contact List: XXX – +91 123456789.

Constraints: Internet Recipe References strictly prohibited. Use Mother in law’s provided Supplemental copy of Cooking for Dummies along with the Encyclopedia of South Indian Cooking by Grandma.”

Cooking spouse gets enraged by the non-standard compliant Requirement document and insulted by the Constraints statement, conducts a review with the Mother in Law and replies back with 10 defects and 15 corrections. A review workbook is filled and filed for Auditing purposes. After a few rounds of email the Spouses agree on what has to be made for the dinner.

Cooking spouse now sends an estimation workbook totalling the cost of the project as $400.

Non-Cooking spouse is now completely bewildered looking at the figure and hence resorts to a phone call over email:(N – Non-Cooking Spouse, C – Cooking spouse).

N: “Hello dear, How are you?”

C:”I am fine, whatsup?”

N:”What’s with this $400?”

C:”Estimated cost for today’s dinner.”

N:”But we are in India, why did you bill it in $?”

C:”We need to think global, so we should only transact in $”

N:”But can’t you use the money from the House eating budget Bucket?”

C:”No, that is not applicable for special requests. If I use that bucket you will be eating leftovers from afternoon lunch”

(N is caught in a diplomatic documental evidence loop)

N:”But Pongal won’t cost $20 even in a Five star hotel”

C: “Oh $400 includes the cost of Father in law even though he is in your hometown and doesn’t contribute anything, Phone support with Mother in Law and a new innovative idea for dinner making – iPod. Yes It includes the cost of iPod and it is just one time cost. I believe I can cook better if I listen to music while cooking. It will improve Quality Standards”

N: Sigh …ok!

The Cooking spouse finishes the office work and heads home to perform the design and implementation of Venn Pongal and Sambar. On the way, Cooking spouse collects the check for $400 and stops by the store to get the iPod. Cooking Spouse makes the Venn pongal sambar in an hour with the power of iPod and that is the only mention I am going to give above the actual cooking, to keep it realistic with Software Development. (Development is the peaceful, less noisy phase to the outside world. No one knows what happens during this time, only when things go to testing and production everything comes out!).

In the middle of cooking, the Non-cooking spouse calls up home and says “Hey, Can you also make Coconut chutney please? Just thought I would like that too with Pongal”

Cooking Spouse: “You will need to raise a change request and will have to pay an extra $20 for that and it may not get done until tomorrow morning. Is that ok with you?”

N: “phew! Never mind!”

Cooking spouse makes a mild noise “Meoow…Meooww…” and the neighbours cat comes to the window thinking “It’s time for testing!”. Cooking spouse feeds a little bit of pongal to the cat and monitors it for 5 minutes. The cat is all merry and goes home unaffected and the testing is certified.

Dinner is now ready and served:

N: “Honey, the pongal is wonderful. I am completely satisfied”

C: “Can you please fill out the feedback form for Customer satisfaction? Also please send this in an email,so I can send it to my Manager (Mother in Law) for an Award and my performance review for the year”

N: “Oh, but I had to add one comment. Sambar needs a little bit of salt.”

C: “I had followed your requirements word by word and it was assumed that we will use Standard amount of Salt for the dishes. I will have to analyze the problem and then will look into it.”

N:”Can we simply not add a pinch of salt to the sambar and kalakkufy (mix/stir)?”

C:”I will have to open a conference bridge with the mother in law and my mother and find out the severity of the problem. Only then I can decide what to do”

(N keeps eating slowly…)

(Conference bridge is open)

Mother in Law: “Lets start by systematically analyzing the problem. Has N fainted?”

C: “No, N is still wide awake munching down the Pongal”

Mother: “So this is definitely not a Severity 1 (High severity) issue then! Is he atleast choking, begging for life, anything at all?”

C:”Nope!”

MIL: “It is not even Severity 2 (Medium Severity) then. We have to categorize it as Severity 3 (Low Severity) and you don’t need to fix it until a week. That is what the service level agreement says”

(N keeps eating and is almost done now)

C says to N: “Did you hear that? I don’t need to fix it until next week!”

N mumbles as he finishes the pongal and C finishes off the pongal too. N fills the Customer satisfaction form and gives a 9 out of 10 rating.

N and C walk to the bedroom and crash. Now, in Software terminology Crashing is not good, the program needs to keep running unless it is Microsoft Windows. But since it is life and cooking, Crashing after dinner is perfectly ok and is a sign of successful cooking.

So, My dear fellow Software Engineers, just be glad that Cooking is not handled as Software Engineering.

My beloved Non-Software Engineers, from this please understand the frustrations we go through everyday. Also, Please don’t take any clue from the $400 estimation, it was just a joke, you won’t get an iPod for Cooking.