Worries

Everyone worries about something at some point. It is just that “the some point”, is very different for Men and Women. Men and Women worry about things at different points and believe me, that makes all the difference. Here are a few case studies:

CASE 1: THE LAUNDRY

A Woman buys a Churidhar. She starts worrying about how to wash it right from the time she buys it. The dress is beautifully worked, but the only problem is it can only be hand washed. So, she is worried that she should remember not to machine wash it.

Now, the Man of the house always likes to impress the Woman for various reasons. So he rolls up his sleeves and tries to do the laundry himself, in the pretext of providing a surprise help. But the problem is he does a machine wash. Until this point, the man is not worried.

Man: “Honey, I’ve washed all your clothes!”

Woman: “Oh, that’s so sweet! wait … what about that churidhar?”

Man: “That too Honey, and you are very welcome”

Woman: “Oh my God, you can’t machine wash it!”

Here is when the Man starts worrying and prays to every god in every religion, to save that one churidhar from the evil effects of the washing machine.

CASE 2: THE COOKING

A Woman knows how to cook, because she is worried about what to cook even before she enters the kitchen. All your trips to Grocery stores to buy vegetables and stuff is because a Woman is worried 7 days in advance, as to what needs to be cooked the whole of next week. She doesn’t write that down, but she keeps them in mind. (Why else you think you are sent to the Grocery store? To stuff the Kitchen shelves and fridge for decoration?)

So if she says she is going to cook “Venn Pongal” and “Sambar” today, it means that she has already worried about buying all of its ingredients, 7 days in advance. This is exactly why you are having that dish today. Not because of some magic.

A Man on the other hand, only thinks that he knows how to cook, but he is far from it. The problem is the Man assumes that there are house elves that take care of putting the items in Kitchen shelves and fridge. So, he sets out to surprise his wife by trying to make a simple dish – Pasta. He promptly lets the water to boil and as soon as it reaches slightly above boiling point (noted from excessive smokey water vapour from the container) he begins looking for the pasta.

This is when the Man starts worrying. Too bad, he needs to leave it to luck to find the pasta and even if he finds the pasta, it is usually the case that there is no pasta sauce in the house 99% of the time. The legend has it that this is how Man learnt to make boiling water.

CASE 3: CLEANING

A Woman is worried about disorderliness, atleast to an extent. She is worried if the house will get clumsy and look bad to the guests. So she indulges herself in keeping things clean, decorating the home and basically tries to keep everything in order, even before it gets dirty and clumsy.

A Man just lives. He starts using things, takes the remote from the table and puts it in the couch, keeps the coffee mug without the coaster on the table, eats as he roams around the house and spilling stuff, runs cables from one point to another to setup wireless connection, and much more. After doing all that, he starts worrying that the house is now in disorder and it needs to be cleaned and sorted out.

This is when the Woman of the house, hands over the Vacuum cleaner to the Man.

CASE 4: LOOKS

Woman are worried about how they look, even before they look or any one else looks at them. I have one word for you – Make up. Ok, that was 2 words, but the point is, the worry about the look starts from the beginning.

Man walks to the closet and fetches the nearest available clothing to wear for the day. It will be too much effort to reach for the good shirt in the corner of the closet. He may or may not comb standing in front of the mirror, but he is hardly worried, how the clothes look on him.

A Colleague walks by the Man and says “Hmm… Interesting shirt for the pants!”.

That’s it, the Man is completely worried now. Not because the shirt makes him look like a clown, but because it is usually difficult to pass a witty reply for such comments.

CASE 5: BLOGGING

A Woman thinks a 1000 times before she blogs about a topic. What if people think I am stupid? What if people don’t like it? What if I get flamed?

A Man publishes the post. He then worries about a 1000 things, but then he just updates the post with those 1000 things as tags for the post “I-may-be-stupid”, “People-may-not-like-it”, “Inflammable”.

An Opinion on God

Everyone has an opinion on God. Everyone who has a blog, at some point tends to write their own opinion about the being called God. A post at Paul’s blog made me write my opinion on what I think about the phenomenon of God. I am posting my idea of God here.

God has been equated to a super natural being so far by Humans (including Atheists, because Atheists use the God in the same meaning as theists, for argument).

If at all there is a being called God, and if at all the universe is created by God, there was no intelligent design behind it. God probably did a one time random work of art called the universe or a river of multiple universes and probably stands back and enjoys the work of art. It is like a painter making a unique painting, standing back and enjoying it for as long as he/she likes. The painter is not a God here, he is an artist who splashed the colors and whatever happens later he doesn’t interfere with it. He doesn’t sit down to alter the finished painting, but he rather moves on to the next. A Random work of art can also happen by accident. When you accidentally spill a plate of pasta on the floor, it can look like an art. My Tamil readers will be able to relate this to a scene in the movie – “Anbe Sivam”(which means Love is God). So God might have ended up creating the Universe while he/she dropped his/her lunch on the floor. This can only mean that the existence or non-existence of God doesn’t matter to our own existence.

Imagining this or Accepting this as a fact or trying to prove it right/wrong does not matter.

Because whenever we try to prove it either way, we only end up in an argument and cause division among ourselves. Whatever thoughts we have, we shouldn’t force it on others. This means that you do not have to take whatever I say, You are free to have your own opinion and I will not sit and argue with it. My friend who had read J.Krishnamurthi, used to say the same thing. Not forcing one’s opinion on others is also a principle of Zen.

What matters is we are intelligent beings born out of the universe like how a flower or fruit blooms out of a plant. We are part of this work of art and that is the connection that needs to be realized between us and the Universe we live in. We certainly did not jump out of nowhere into this Universe. Since we belong to this work of art, to us there is no relevant external divinity. The Universe itself is God(You have to change the definition of God here) and since we are born out of it and connected to it, we have God in ourselves. I have another post that will illustrate this. It is an idea that I read in a book.

Due to this reason, I really do not like to describe the term God with the dictionary meaning of “God being an Omnipotent being”. These are all not entirely my thoughts. They are just some thoughts read, understood and inferred from few books and websites. I do not claim to know everything on the topic and I do not mean to say I am completely right. I keep an open mind to accept new thoughts and correct myself once a while. I also do not believe in standing one way or another and arguing. This doesn’t make me an agnostic either. I could use a new category to describe myself, but I am really not interested in forming another new school of thought, because any form of cult only separates us from each other, than unite us.

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to lose a Girl

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to lose a Girl was meant to be a unique work of literature in reply to the Hitchhiker’s Guide to lose a Guy. The author of the book had intentions of writing about what one needs to do in order to lose a girl, but couldn’t really come up with more than one way of doing it. So the guide became a collection of pitfalls to avoid in the process of losing a girl with two words written on the inner cover of the book in large bold letters.

EAT GARLIC

The author had no hope of selling even 1 copy of the book but in a sheer probability of 2,456,896 to 1 against, luck favoured him and he was able to sell exactly 8,765,917 copies of the book, which incidentally happened to be his Taxpayer indentification number that he had got after applying for exactly 9 times with the Income Tax dept and of course 2,456,896 was the Phone number of Ladies Hostel in his college, which is what inspired him to write the book. This book became the best seller in the lines of “Does GOD have an Attendance register?” by Dichard Rawkins and “Human is a being” by Cheepak Dopra.

The hero of our story Earther Bent simply hates Garlic. If Earther is left in an Island full of Garlic and has nothing to eat but Garlic, he would rather use the shell of the Garlic to slowly cut his wrist and die a lonely death than surviving by eating it. He hated it that much. So when his mother sneaked a Garlic into his bag while returning to his college hostel, he found it and crushed it with his feet and kicked it away. It could have been the only Garlic he had.

Earther is one of those who believes the book would help him lose his girl friend Briticia Makkumilan along with her annoyingly depressed Cat – Darvin, but misunderstands the pitfalls to be the guiding steps, and tries them one by one. It is not his fault really, the book is electronic and it gives out one pitfall at a time as you tap it. And so, Earther is out to lose his girl friend Briticia or Brish for short.

TELL HER YOU LOVE SOMEONE ELSE

If you ever try to say this to your girl friend you have to make sure you are atleast 5 feet away from her. But, Earther was so eager to lose his girl, he didn’t read the “CAUTION” message that came out beeping from the book. It is advisable to have a single tea with bun from the local tea shop before doing this.

Earther: Hi Brish, I am in love with someone else, sorry!

The next thing he knew Earther was found sleeping on a hospital bed lying flat on his tummy. He was about to be taken in for a minor procedure in order to remove a Size 7 High heel shoe that was embedded 5 inches deep into his rear (which could have been 3 inches if Earther had the tea and bun and caused himself to constipate). It is one (Divine) feeling when something comes out of A hole and it is another (brutal) feeling when sharp things are pushed inside.

Darvin: Oh Great! I have to spend another stupid day, Shoe shopping with her!

TELL HER YOU ARE TRANSFERRED

This is a highly specific case and will work only on a certain class of Individuals who work in a transfer prone job like District Collector, Sub Inspector, US Temple Priest, or a Software Engineer. But Earther was just a lazy college student with a knack of incomplete reading, and so he thought that this particular category applies to him too and comes out with a seemingly brilliant yet totally stupid excuse:

Earther: Hi Brish, I am getting transferred to London, UK next week.

Brish: To do what? For what? To fail in your exams and receive “U” grade in London. Is that much more respectable than achieving it in India? Or did you take up a job of a Janitor in the Tube (Subway train station)?

Under normal circumstances, a person hearing this comment will be hanging upside down from the Tamarind tree just to let out the feeling of anger and shame from his brain, but Earther was too numb from the painkillers taken from the previous in(ac)cident.

Darvin: I bet the Janitor job is more satisfying than doing a job of cute little kitten in her hands!

TELL HER YOU DRINK AND SMOKE

If you don’t really do something, you have to be careful when you lie about it. Earther is someone, what most people would call in college as Fruit face. The most intoxicating experience he has ever had was by drinking the spoilt milk (served as curd) in the hostel mess. So obviously his excuse of being a drunk moron who lets out smoke from every opening in his body didn’t strike too well.

Earther: I drink a lot and smoke. In fact I am very close to getting a drinking problem.

Brish: Which brand do you smoke? I smoke a lot and whenever I smoke I cannot help but sip some vodka from my water bottle filled with vodka. I think we should see a therapist together.

Another flop plan from Earther.

Darvin: Oh Humanity, It is better to stay intoxicated than undergo the depressing suffering of consumerist life!

USE IMPROBABILITY SCREWDRIVER:

Improbability screwdriver is a small object, which when used to turn a knob in the book, will turn you into a random object, take you away from your current girl friend and make you a boyfriend of another single girl, instantaneously. It is highly risky as it may lead you to a girl that you may not like, but it was a risk that Earther was willing to take.

The feeling when you operate the improbability screwdriver is very close to the feeling when you take your brain out of your skull and look at it while beating your ear with the other hand. This is the exact same feeling you will get by drinking Tantramatic Tea-Twister, more commonly known as Iced Tea with Thai Chilli sauce.

Earther puts the screwdriver into the knob and turns it clockwise exactly 23 degrees as written in the manual (23 was the bus number that Earther used to travel, to go to movies). In one instant, Earther turns into a scare crow made of hay and quickly turns back into his original form, with a few bunch of hay still stuck in his ears. Amazingly with a probability of 4,876,134 to 1 against, a number that amounted to the total number of people to ever have crossed the ladies hostel, Earther is left back with his original girl friend. It was the 143rd possibility out of 278 possibilities when you turn yourself into a Scare crow from the improbability screwdriver. 143 stood for I Love You (I – 1 letter, Love – 4 letters and You – 3 letters).

This could mean one of the two things with equal probability:

1. Earther cannot dislike any other girl more than Brish.

2. Earther and Brish are made for each other.

Darvin: Can I borrow that Screwdriver? I need to drill a hole in my head and see if I feel better.

TELL HER YOU ARE GAY:

This is a commonly misunderstood reverse trap. While this works on Men, it really doesn’t work on Women. This is because a Man’s brain is filled with nothing but the 3 letters X,S,E (not in that order) while a Woman’s brain is filled with A-Z, a-z, 0-9,!@#$%^&*() 8,765,917 times (same as number of copies sold, Pay attention! and oh, not in that order). So this is what happened:

Earther: Hi Brish, I am Gay.

Brish: Oh, that’s so cool. We can now be friends for ever. We can hang out together, may be we can have a Makeover party, I can do your nails and you can do my hair. It sounds fun! Yippieee!

Apparently Earther didn’t know how to anwer to that reaction and just muttered 4 letters – P,A,R,C in the reverse order.

Darvin: Oh! atleast you have 3 letters in your brain stupid man!

EAT GARLIC:

Now Earther is at the last and only step that he can do but he really doesn’t like to do – Eat Garlic. Worse, he had crushed and kicked away his only Garlic that his mother gave or so he thought. He nervously puts his left hand into his pant back pocket and is surprised to see a piece of Garlic left out from the big lump that his mother gave. With utmost disgustion he puts that small piece of Garlic in his mouth and chews it.

Earther: I think you misunderstood Brish. I was saying I was Gay as in I was happy. I am very happy to be with you. I love you, In fact I want to spend the rest of the life with you.

Brish: Oh, Earther! I knew you loved me.

Darvin: Oh Garfield, the Cat God! This is more depressing than a Karan Johar love story.

Earther swallows the Garlic piece. The juice of the Garlic reacts with the stale Sambar rice he had in the mess in the afternoon. Garlic reaches the stomach and enhances digestion so much that it creates a by product in a gaseous state. Brish gets close to Earther to kiss him. Earther is now giving a sheepish grin as he approaches Brish’s lips. Brish’s face is now showing some discomfort from the stink coming out of Earther’s mouth and just then Earther relaxes to set off the byproduct filling the atmosphere surrounding him and Brish with a smell of bad sambar, rotten egg and chinese sesame oil mixed together.

Brish: Oh … Yuck … You stink! Don’t you ever come near me again! I hate you. Get away!

Brish pushes Earther away and runs into the Hostel towards the left to her room.

Darvin: Not that you really care, but your room is on the right!

Earther walks off merrily singing the tune: “So long … So long … So long…” and finishes it merrily:

“So Long and Thanks for all the Shoes!”

Road Trip Facts

Road trip can be fun, but:

1. The total time taken for reaching the destination is calculated with the formula:

Total Time = X + iY

Where X is the estimate of time duration provided by Google Maps.

Y is the Total Rest stop time that we are planning to take.

i is the Number of Insects that come and hit your car Windshield to commit suicide.

2. Murphy’s Law of Road Trip states that “If it is your turn to drive the car, and if a freeway can be closed then it will be closed and you will have to follow the Detour for some unknown amount of time”. During this condition, following the GPS will lead to going round and round the same place like a daredevil stuntman in a cage. If you are yet to have lunch at this point, you will feel like a highly charged particle going around the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), not that I have any experience of going through it or knowing how it will be.

3. Freeways are built by human beings and is not a direct creation of God. Hence, freeways are subject to Natural damage and will need to be worked upon once a while. So if you are not surprised at Road Construction signs then you are an Atheist, Otherwise it may be your first road trip, just make sure you don’t fall behind a truck. If you fall behind a truck don’t curse God if you are an Atheist. If you don’t understand this then you will scream “Oh my God!” whenever you enter a Road Construction zone and fall behind a Truck that won’t budge a single mile per hour beyond the posted speed limit.

4. If you miss an exit the GPS lady will automatically adjust to your fallacy, recalculate and provide you with a new route automatically. This does not mean in any way that the GPS lady is in love with you or attracted to you or having wet dreams about you. But the problem is, you will fall in love with this lady and you will be obsessed with touching her once a while to find out the route, next rest stop exit, restaurants etc.

5. You will love to compare the number of miles you drive with the distance in India. What you can cover here in 4 hours will need about 8 hours in India. So as we drove 600 miles one way during the trip we had travelled from Madurai to Chennai (444 Kms or 276 miles, which takes about 8 to 9 hours by train or 10 hours by road), had a little business meeting and then drove back from Chennai to Madurai all on the same day. It is fun to do this comparison.

6. Did I say the GPS lady is not in love with you and certainly not having wet dreams about you? Yeah, don’t even have second thoughts even if you are desperate.

7. Law of Road Trip Inertia: When you reach the destination, come to a complete stop and retire for the night, you will still be feeling that you are in the freeway. Your dreams during the night will involve rectangular sign boards of different colors and shapes, speed limit signs, white dotted lines and the Voice of the GPS lady (But no, the GPS lady isn’t going to dream about you)

8. Your back will hurt. Resistance is futile. If you manage to sit in a yogic posture in an attempt to minimize your back ache, your neck will hurt. If you try to nullify your neck pain by bending down slightly, the pressure will be passed down to your rear. In any case, atleast one part of your body will ache and you will know more about it during the night at the motel.

9. The big circular red sign with a slash in the middle that comes up on the GPS screen when it becomes horizontal doesn’t indicate that you have to keep your coke can perfectly aligning with that sign. Now, this is a kind of wet dream that the GPS doesn’t want to have.

10. The probability that a Super 8 motel franchise is run by a desi is 1 billion to 1. So if you end up in a Motel run by a Gujarati Desi fellow, please do not hesitate to ask him for directions to the Ganesha Temple. He will be much more accurate than the GPS lady by 18 miles. Do not be afraid that the GPS lady will break up with you, remember she wasn’t loving you in the first place.

11. It is easier to pass Trucks when they are not there. Trucks are like Auto Rickshaws in India. You never know about their driving style. The time between beginning to pass the truck, driving a safe distance ahead of them and changing the lane back to the right lane is slightly short of 25 blight years, where 1 blight year = 1 blinking light from your Indicator.

12. For every 30 miles on a given freeway there will be an Indian restaurant named Tandoor. How else when you drive on a freeway with nothing but mountains and forest on either side with SUVs threatening to pass you anytime and Road construction sign popping up randomly between kids getting restless in the back seat, the GPS lady shows up with Tandoor Restaurant in Clarksville, TN coming up in the next 27 miles? It is either a freaking coincidence or there is an Indian Restaurant named Tandoor in every 30 miles of a Freeway. I am fairly comfortable believing in the latter.

Wise people used to say “The Journey is the Reward”. Road Trip has a lot in store for you as a Reward. In spite of all the buts you will love it because Road Trip to me symbolizes freedom.

Road trip is always fun.

PS: For the last time, GPS lady definitlely is not in love with you, now get over it.