Posted in Humour

Pour Femme

Men wear perfume. Yes we do, we buy one of those Pour Homme that means For Men and spray about 1 nano litre of the solution in strategic areas like armpits. Depending on the height, weight, body mass index and number of days running without a shower we calculate the exact amount of perfume that will make us smell fresh yet not smell too strong. With some exceptions, I can say that Men have mastered this art very well.

Women on the other hand (and no offense to all you Women, Since I consider you next to God simply for the offspring bearing capability) love their smell or should I say Women of the West or Westernized Women? The right quantity of perfume is not calculated scientifically with height, weight, body mass index (There is no question of no shower days) but It is calculated mathematically using the formula:

f(p) = b + R(d) + r

Where

f(p) is the Function of Perfume that will determine the amount of perfume that will need to be applied at the moment.

b is Basic one size fit all quantity recommended by the Store associate at Macy’s

d is the diameter of the effect of perfume.

R is a Randomized Function that will derive the extra quantity accordingly in order to have the effect around an area of diameter d.

r is the feedback variable. r refers to the minute amount of perfume used as gauge and when the body perfume level decreases by that amount, the brain of the Woman triggers a signal to the body. The body then automatically walks to the restroom to apply the extra “r” units of perfume to bring it back to the original level.

If you have noticed Woman driving in cars at traffic signals applying makeup and lipstick it is because of the decrease in amount of perfume by “r” units and they are getting restless to check how their look has changed within the past 10 minutes. Also, after a car is parked a Woman usually takes a few minutes to step out of the car and that is also because of the “r” factor.

If you didn’t understand the above formula, do not worry. You can simply assume that Westernized Women apply one hell of a lot of Perfume several times a day.

The effect of perfume is so intense that the smell can occupy the area where the Woman trodded, for about 30 minutes. Using sophisticated Aerosol dating formula with my home brew Giger Counter it is possible to determine the age of the perfume smell in that area. With the counter you can find how long back there was a Women in that place and in which direction she is headed to and how far away she is. Of course, the smell is so strong that my counter works only once. I have to throw it away and make another one, perhaps I have to make a Titanium based aroma impenetrable material and create a shield around the counter, but then it won’t be able to feel the aroma to do the count.

In order to shield myself and prevent the fainting caused by the fragrance I have also invented an invisible face mask (to be patented) that can reflect away the perfume by bending the fragrance. Using this same principle someone seems to have discovered a formula for invisible cloak, but hey I have a working model they don’t have one. I am putting this mask for sale for $0.00 + $0.00 instantaneous shipping (available the next nano second you place the order, yes Fedex is a Joke compared to this).

As you can see, I conduct my experiment with one recyclable non-reusable Giger counter and an Invisible face mask every day. This face mask will be extremely useful under closed conditions like the elevator where the options for escaping from the fragrance are limited to only one – Strangling yourself to death. Just think about it, you get into the elevator of the Empire state building and you are in company of a Westernized Woman. The perfume level concentrates the air you breathe and the intense effect causes your brain to release Endorphins to soothe you, but not in enough quantity and hence by the time you reach floor number 86, well I don’t know if you will make it that far. So hurry now and place your order for the mask, it is a matter of life and death (well mostly death if you don’t order one). If you place your order in the next 24 hours, I will throw in another Face mask for free. What’s more for the first 100 orders I will send my personally hand crafted aroma detecting Giger counter for just $0.000 more. This counter will help you detect the aroma as far as 25 meters (About 82 feet, Dear Americans) and can give you the life saving chance of avoiding the aroma path.

All said, I was in the elevator today and a Woman got in with me. She was wearing a perfume that didn’t smell very strong. It was mild, normal and fresh. For once I felt like saying “You smell perfect” but all I said was “4th Floor please!”.

Woman have fragrance naturally, It has been debated since the days of the Tamil Movie Thiruvilaiyadal, in which Lord Shiva declares that Women have naturally fragrant hair, and proves his point by burning a doubting Royal Poet to ashes. So Woman, You only need a little bit of a perfume to make yourself fresh. Woman are naturally beautiful in the way they speak, in the way they project themselves, in the way they behave, in the way they do good things to the world. Any amount of additives will not prove any point because it will only shield the others from the real you.

Update: Well, from the comments below it does seem that Some Men exhibit Hyper-Perfumania too. So if you are a Woman and if you feel I am being unjust by picking on a certain category of “Hyper-Perfumaniacal Western Woman”, Please feel free to apply this logic word for word for men too. I am sure it is the same feeling on either side.

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Author:

I am a Software Engineer by profession. My interests are in Computers, Science, Technology, Movies, Music, Photography and Writing. I love to do a lot of things, but am still searching for the ultimate thing that I can love to do. You will find here all the volcanic outbursts of my creative side as I explore the world through my perspective. Well, mainly fun, what's world without any fun!

22 thoughts on “Pour Femme

  1. Reema – Yes, Exceptions are everywhere. I can say a lot of Indian Men and Women do not overdo the perfume, based on my everyday observation. This is just the westernized lot I have talked about.

  2. Most of woman loves man with perfume, because they like a person that smells good and some people get characterized by that, but is bad when people use a strong perfume, it doesn’t matter if is a man or woman, in the morning, it bothers a lot.

    Candy
    Outsourcing In Call Centre

  3. Vishesh – It could be due to weather conditions.

    Candy – Yes, when perfume goes above a tolerable level, then people like me end up writing a post like this 🙂

  4. Eheh I like using perfume, but I hate the exaggeration in every thing… So the tolerable level for me is ok. 🙂

  5. Your post leaves me extremely thankful that my own female friends tend not to wear much perfume — if any at all. Maybe I have subconsciously chosen them as friends for that reason! 😀

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  7. Smallstar – I like perfume as well, but not in enormous quantities.

    Cuckoo – I would agree with you as I do not know any men who exhibit this behaviour. I guess I am lucky to have not come across them 🙂 and according to me, a lot of Indian Women use their perfume responsibly. I appreciate you reading my blog and commenting.

    Paul – You might have done something called the “Natural Selection”. Thank you for your comments.

  8. Hilarious and yet, a sensible post. I don’t know how far it is applicable to me as a perfume user because, i do not use them. Nor do i use any deos… But while am on the receiving end, i’m sure i’ll remember this post in the years to come…

    @Women : did not recognise the natural fragrance that you carry or did u get bored of it? 😀

  9. Yeah even i being a woman at times feel some people have drowned themselves in the perfume instead of just spraying it.

    Nice blog, though i still dont understand ur formula!
    visit my blog sometime 🙂
    cheers!
    all smiles!

  10. Zanychild – Welcome here. Nice to see you have the same feeling too. Thank you and it is ok if you don’t understand the formula, I didn’t either 🙂 It doesn’t conform to anything. I will sure visit your blog!

  11. Being a woman i like men who smell good . A good smell enhances a mans personality but if he overdoes his perfume ,then he makes a fool of himself . My new boss is very smart & he wears good perfume , one day i complemented his perfume ,next day he applied so much perfume that it was difficult for me to stand in his room.I had a severe head ache & i regretted my complement.

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