The Hitchhiker’s Guide to lose a Girl was meant to be a unique work of literature in reply to the Hitchhiker’s Guide to lose a Guy. The author of the book had intentions of writing about what one needs to do in order to lose a girl, but couldn’t really come up with more than one way of doing it. So the guide became a collection of pitfalls to avoid in the process of losing a girl with two words written on the inner cover of the book in large bold letters.
The author had no hope of selling even 1 copy of the book but in a sheer probability of 2,456,896 to 1 against, luck favoured him and he was able to sell exactly 8,765,917 copies of the book, which incidentally happened to be his Taxpayer indentification number that he had got after applying for exactly 9 times with the Income Tax dept and of course 2,456,896 was the Phone number of Ladies Hostel in his college, which is what inspired him to write the book. This book became the best seller in the lines of “Does GOD have an Attendance register?” by Dichard Rawkins and “Human is a being” by Cheepak Dopra.
The hero of our story Earther Bent simply hates Garlic. If Earther is left in an Island full of Garlic and has nothing to eat but Garlic, he would rather use the shell of the Garlic to slowly cut his wrist and die a lonely death than surviving by eating it. He hated it that much. So when his mother sneaked a Garlic into his bag while returning to his college hostel, he found it and crushed it with his feet and kicked it away. It could have been the only Garlic he had.
Earther is one of those who believes the book would help him lose his girl friend Briticia Makkumilan along with her annoyingly depressed Cat – Darvin, but misunderstands the pitfalls to be the guiding steps, and tries them one by one. It is not his fault really, the book is electronic and it gives out one pitfall at a time as you tap it. And so, Earther is out to lose his girl friend Briticia or Brish for short.
TELL HER YOU LOVE SOMEONE ELSE
If you ever try to say this to your girl friend you have to make sure you are atleast 5 feet away from her. But, Earther was so eager to lose his girl, he didn’t read the “CAUTION” message that came out beeping from the book. It is advisable to have a single tea with bun from the local tea shop before doing this.
Earther: Hi Brish, I am in love with someone else, sorry!
The next thing he knew Earther was found sleeping on a hospital bed lying flat on his tummy. He was about to be taken in for a minor procedure in order to remove a Size 7 High heel shoe that was embedded 5 inches deep into his rear (which could have been 3 inches if Earther had the tea and bun and caused himself to constipate). It is one (Divine) feeling when something comes out of A hole and it is another (brutal) feeling when sharp things are pushed inside.
Darvin: Oh Great! I have to spend another stupid day, Shoe shopping with her!
TELL HER YOU ARE TRANSFERRED
This is a highly specific case and will work only on a certain class of Individuals who work in a transfer prone job like District Collector, Sub Inspector, US Temple Priest, or a Software Engineer. But Earther was just a lazy college student with a knack of incomplete reading, and so he thought that this particular category applies to him too and comes out with a seemingly brilliant yet totally stupid excuse:
Earther: Hi Brish, I am getting transferred to London, UK next week.
Brish: To do what? For what? To fail in your exams and receive “U” grade in London. Is that much more respectable than achieving it in India? Or did you take up a job of a Janitor in the Tube (Subway train station)?
Under normal circumstances, a person hearing this comment will be hanging upside down from the Tamarind tree just to let out the feeling of anger and shame from his brain, but Earther was too numb from the painkillers taken from the previous in(ac)cident.
Darvin: I bet the Janitor job is more satisfying than doing a job of cute little kitten in her hands!
TELL HER YOU DRINK AND SMOKE
If you don’t really do something, you have to be careful when you lie about it. Earther is someone, what most people would call in college as Fruit face. The most intoxicating experience he has ever had was by drinking the spoilt milk (served as curd) in the hostel mess. So obviously his excuse of being a drunk moron who lets out smoke from every opening in his body didn’t strike too well.
Earther: I drink a lot and smoke. In fact I am very close to getting a drinking problem.
Brish: Which brand do you smoke? I smoke a lot and whenever I smoke I cannot help but sip some vodka from my water bottle filled with vodka. I think we should see a therapist together.
Another flop plan from Earther.
Darvin: Oh Humanity, It is better to stay intoxicated than undergo the depressing suffering of consumerist life!
USE IMPROBABILITY SCREWDRIVER:
Improbability screwdriver is a small object, which when used to turn a knob in the book, will turn you into a random object, take you away from your current girl friend and make you a boyfriend of another single girl, instantaneously. It is highly risky as it may lead you to a girl that you may not like, but it was a risk that Earther was willing to take.
The feeling when you operate the improbability screwdriver is very close to the feeling when you take your brain out of your skull and look at it while beating your ear with the other hand. This is the exact same feeling you will get by drinking Tantramatic Tea-Twister, more commonly known as Iced Tea with Thai Chilli sauce.
Earther puts the screwdriver into the knob and turns it clockwise exactly 23 degrees as written in the manual (23 was the bus number that Earther used to travel, to go to movies). In one instant, Earther turns into a scare crow made of hay and quickly turns back into his original form, with a few bunch of hay still stuck in his ears. Amazingly with a probability of 4,876,134 to 1 against, a number that amounted to the total number of people to ever have crossed the ladies hostel, Earther is left back with his original girl friend. It was the 143rd possibility out of 278 possibilities when you turn yourself into a Scare crow from the improbability screwdriver. 143 stood for I Love You (I – 1 letter, Love – 4 letters and You – 3 letters).
This could mean one of the two things with equal probability:
1. Earther cannot dislike any other girl more than Brish.
2. Earther and Brish are made for each other.
Darvin: Can I borrow that Screwdriver? I need to drill a hole in my head and see if I feel better.
TELL HER YOU ARE GAY:
This is a commonly misunderstood reverse trap. While this works on Men, it really doesn’t work on Women. This is because a Man’s brain is filled with nothing but the 3 letters X,S,E (not in that order) while a Woman’s brain is filled with A-Z, a-z, 0-9,!@#$%^&*() 8,765,917 times (same as number of copies sold, Pay attention! and oh, not in that order). So this is what happened:
Earther: Hi Brish, I am Gay.
Brish: Oh, that’s so cool. We can now be friends for ever. We can hang out together, may be we can have a Makeover party, I can do your nails and you can do my hair. It sounds fun! Yippieee!
Apparently Earther didn’t know how to anwer to that reaction and just muttered 4 letters – P,A,R,C in the reverse order.
Darvin: Oh! atleast you have 3 letters in your brain stupid man!
Now Earther is at the last and only step that he can do but he really doesn’t like to do – Eat Garlic. Worse, he had crushed and kicked away his only Garlic that his mother gave or so he thought. He nervously puts his left hand into his pant back pocket and is surprised to see a piece of Garlic left out from the big lump that his mother gave. With utmost disgustion he puts that small piece of Garlic in his mouth and chews it.
Earther: I think you misunderstood Brish. I was saying I was Gay as in I was happy. I am very happy to be with you. I love you, In fact I want to spend the rest of the life with you.
Brish: Oh, Earther! I knew you loved me.
Darvin: Oh Garfield, the Cat God! This is more depressing than a Karan Johar love story.
Earther swallows the Garlic piece. The juice of the Garlic reacts with the stale Sambar rice he had in the mess in the afternoon. Garlic reaches the stomach and enhances digestion so much that it creates a by product in a gaseous state. Brish gets close to Earther to kiss him. Earther is now giving a sheepish grin as he approaches Brish’s lips. Brish’s face is now showing some discomfort from the stink coming out of Earther’s mouth and just then Earther relaxes to set off the byproduct filling the atmosphere surrounding him and Brish with a smell of bad sambar, rotten egg and chinese sesame oil mixed together.
Brish: Oh … Yuck … You stink! Don’t you ever come near me again! I hate you. Get away!
Brish pushes Earther away and runs into the Hostel towards the left to her room.
Darvin: Not that you really care, but your room is on the right!
Earther walks off merrily singing the tune: “So long … So long … So long…” and finishes it merrily:
“So Long and Thanks for all the Shoes!”