Posted in Humour, Travel

Jet Lag

Jet lag is a phenomenon where a person gets from a place of one Timezone to a place of another timezone in a high speed jet, while sitting his ass off and doing nothing nothing but sleeping, eating and watching a Tiny monitor. Obviously because of the huge difference between the speed of the jet and the speed of the person’s rear, there is a Jet lag. (Note: Jet Lag is not the reason for Flight delays and Jet Lag has nothing to do with Jet airways or Jet Lite).

CODE LAG

A major section of Software Engineers travelling from US to India seem to sleep well during nights without the supposed Jet lag. This is due to the fact that they sleep at work staring at the computer. So if you suffer from lack of sleep due to Jet lag, just imagine yourself looking at millions of lines of C++ or Java code or just imagine looking at a Powerpoint presentation from your HR Department. These things knock you out immediately. I call this Code Lag.

JETTY LAG

While packing, always remember where you packed your underwear. Write it down somewhere or just mark the suitcase. You can also try to keep your underwear in the same suitcase where you carry your expensive new electronic item like LCD TV. The Indian Customs department will do the rest to mark it with a huge ugly cross mark with a chalk piece. If you forget where you packed your underwear then you may have to spend a day inside out in the old underwear, until you find fresh ones or buy new ones. I call this Jetty Lag (Originally coined by Chutneycase in a different context involving super models and what they wear and don’t wear).

SHIT LAG

Shit may come and Shit may go, but Bathroom remains forever.

So obviously whenever you get bowel movement, you just go to the bathroom. If your bowel movement had to happen only in the morning then your bathroom will disappear for the rest of the day and reappear only the following morning.

Since Jet lag confuses your whole body, it can also confuse your internal drainage system. Usually you will be in a fit, do I go before dinner or right after dinner. Do I have enough urge before dinner? Should I eat more to get the push. This my friend, I like to call Shit Lag.

Note 1: Bathrooms are not of standard shape and size in India. So if you are going to be in a place unfamiliar to you, walk to the bathroom and take a look. Depending on what you see there, control what you eat (Otherwise, be ready to sit in an awkward position in the Autorickshaw, till you reach familiar surroundings). No one knows when shit happens!

Note 2: If you see a variation in the speed of shit release (either an increase or a decrease) you are either having diarrhea or constipation and it has nothing to do with Jet lag or the speed of your rear in the Jet.

FUTILE ATTEMPTS

The following attempts will not cure Jet Lag:

1. Running in the airplane as fast as the Jet. I mean if you do this, you will practically knock over the crew selling expensive but duty free stuff, pass through the business class, break open the cockpit door and jump out of the airplane through the front glass window. Don’t try this, even at home.

2. If you are not a Software Engineer, obviously it is difficult for you to imagine millions of lines of code. You can try to imagine yourself as an Indian Govt. servant working as a Head clerk at the Treasury, sipping single tea while staring at a stack of dusty files. Sleep will come automatically.

3. Do not attempt to wear 2 underwears, to avoid forgetting where you packed. This will backfire by creating extra space in your suitcase for your wife to carry some more stuff that may increase the weight of the suitcase by 0.5 Kg, even though your underwear weighs only 0.05 kg.

4. Do not attempt to predict the time of the bowel movement. It is as uncertain as the electron in a Heisenberg uncertainty principle. If you predict a time and stay in your familiar place, it won’t come. If you predict the place where you will feel the movement, it won’t be at the right time. You have to go with the flow, I mean literally.

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Author:

I am a Software Engineer by profession. My interests are in Computers, Science, Technology, Movies, Music, Photography and Writing. I love to do a lot of things, but am still searching for the ultimate thing that I can love to do. You will find here all the volcanic outbursts of my creative side as I explore the world through my perspective. Well, mainly fun, what's world without any fun!

23 thoughts on “Jet Lag

  1. You forgot Scum Lag – it happens when you’re traveling with a hot chick. Scum from Airport 1 ogle at your chick at the same speed as the sum from Airport 2 πŸ˜€

  2. Welcome back ! And what a start !

    There is also Company lag ! Between the time you go and come, if your company chairman shows up at the inlaws place making a grand admission…will…Company lag

  3. Amreekandesi
    Nice post…obviously you did not suffer from any jet lag from your trip!
    Thank you πŸ™‚ I did suffer from Jet lag. I just had lag in posting and replying to comments – Let’s call this Blog Lag.

    Raji
    Correlation between Heisenberg uncertainity principle and bowel movement…ha ha..hilarious
    πŸ™‚

    Thank you πŸ™‚ It is easy to apply Heisenberg to anything uncertain even though he didn’t mean it to be that way πŸ™‚

    Maxdavinci
    taking a crap while on a roadtrip after a heavy meal in a dhaba beats everything!
    I don’t understand, why have a heavy meal and then travel till a dhaba to take a crap! Oh wait I got it πŸ™‚

    Curdriceaurora – Thank you πŸ™‚ I didn’t know what shit I was talking!

    Anshul
    My drainage system automatically switches itself off, when I see not so comfortable sanitation facilities. Auto On/Off. πŸ™‚
    This will make a very nice cartoon Anshul and it is a gift. Hopefully your system won’t clog.

  4. Vishesh – Thank you πŸ™‚

    Mandar
    Nice post.
    It is a post filled with Shit, yet Nice πŸ™‚ Thank you πŸ™‚

    Nikhil
    You forgot Scum Lag – it happens when you’re traveling with a hot chick. Scum from Airport 1
    ogle at your chick at the same speed as the sum from Airport 2 πŸ˜€

    Ha ha … So how is there a lag if both ogle at the same speed.

    Apar
    Welcome back! What is it with men and bathroom humour?! πŸ™‚
    Thank you πŸ™‚ and why, do women not go to bathroom πŸ™‚ I just try to find humour everywhere.

    Chiranjib – Thank you πŸ™‚

    Reema – Thank you πŸ™‚

    Gauri
    …and then there are those who get it all a tad later than the rest. They have the lag lag.
    Shouldn’t you call it lag tad or tag lag. This is just in the mind then.

  5. Kavi
    Welcome back ! And what a start !
    Thank you πŸ™‚ and thankfully I didn’t have a start lag.

    There is also Company lag !
    That happens every day at the stock market with the stock prices.

    Between the time you go and come
    You are right, a lot can happen over a go and come. If it comes you have to go but if you go it may not come.

    its me
    its me too πŸ™‚
    My humble experience on jet lag and discovery is that the human body is dehydrating
    That is the wrong term to use in this blog. I will only allow Water lag or Hydra lag, whichever you see cool.

    have a wonderful next trip on board, try water-cure protocol found at Healthy Wealth blog at http://theinnozablog.blogpsot.com
    Sure, Thanks for the tip.

    Appu – Thank you πŸ™‚

    Amit – Thank you πŸ™‚ I am glad I didn’t hit a post lag to you πŸ™‚

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