Anti-Virus Support

Bob is usually a happy person with a really wide smile. He always smiles, in fact it is a condition that needs to be treated, his face is just stuck smiling after competing in a Best smile audition for a 2 minutes advertisement. But Bob has problems like many. Bob’s laptop is infected with a virus that cannot make it stay on for a long time. He still smiles even though he is sad inside. Bob’s laptop turns on, works for a while, but the virus gets on to it and the laptop automatically shuts down.

Bob does what any average American would do. Bob Calls the customer service of the laptop company (while an Average Indian, who eats KaBobs will call his/her cousin and get it fixed, or fix it himself/herself).

Bob: “Hello, I am having  a virus problem with my laptop, it won’t work for long”.

CSR: “Hello, Can I have your full name and address please!”

Bob’s full name was not long, yet he had to spell it out letter by letter. He went on to tell the address of his home.

CSR: “Can I have the maiden name of your great grandmother’s mother in law for security purposes?”

Bob was stunned. Bob was a surrogate born and adopted, so he didn’t know who his parents were, leave alone the greatness of his grandmother or her mother in law. Bob gave up like he usually does.

Bob then decided to go and ask the Computer Geek Almighty – Bill Gates.

Bob: “Hey Bill, Can you help me fix my laptop? It is virus infected and doesn’t go longer.”

Bill: “Try restarting!”

Bob: “I did, it wouldn’t restart!”

Bill: “Try restarting again!”

Bob understood that Bill had no other useful solution than just restarting. So he decided to go and meet his Arch-Rival and Friend – Steve Jobs.

Bob: “Hey Steve, my laptop is infected with virus …”

and before Bob could go any longer, Steve interrupted.

Steve: “Just Get a Mac. Look at this Get a Mac commercial, I bet you will buy it in a flash.”

Bob was flashed with a heavy reality distortion field (RDF). But poor Bob, even the RDF didn’t last longer on him, so he didn’t buy the Mac and he just bolted out of there.

In a sheer piece of luck, Bob was invited to Chicago at the big O studios to feature in a segment of the Oprah Winfrey show as “What about Bob?”. Bob was excited that he was going to meet Oprah and he couldn’t believe he will be in a one hour TV show in front of the national audience.

Oprah: “Coming up next, we are going to see how a virus in a laptop has affected the life of an American, Bob, right after this commercial break!”

(Crowd claps fades … as music fades in)

Oprah introduces Bob and along with Dr. Oz and Suze Orman who will be helping Bob to resolve his Laptop issues.

Oprah: “So tell me about the problem you are having Bob?”

Bob: “I don’t know what the problem is, but everytime I keep my laptop up and running, it doesn’t seem to go beyond a few minutes. It keeps crashing down.”

Dr. Oz in his characteristic Pink shirt, gets up to the screen to explain the audience what a computer virus is. One of the slides involves a Gory picture of a Laptop’s remnants after the virus infection.

(Audience goes “Awwww……”.)

Oprah: “Eww… Don’t show me that. You know I don’t like such pictures!”

Suze: “You see people, this is why we have to bailout poor Bob. If we don’t bail him out then his laptop is going to be infected a lot more and it’s gonna get worse by affecting your laptops. So we all have to pool in $10 cash and give it to Bob so he can get his laptop fixed or just buy a new laptop.”

(Audience – still faced with no expression)

Oprah: “We also have the Couple from Oregon who had faced a similar tragedy.”

Couple from Oregon: ( A sorry looking Male, with a worn out face, gelled hair, made to wear blazers by his wife. A Wife, who has been wearing make up continously for 2 weeks, with a lot of blush applied to the cheek and a really expensive hairdo. Both of them are in the verge of a bankruptcy due to a virus infected laptop)

“We just miss our laptop so much” (Wife breaks out, starts weeping) …

Husband continues “Yeah, this is the best thing happened to us in our life!”( a tiny drop of tear in his eyes, while he really thinks about all the lost pron in his laptop, that he forgot to backup).

Oprah: “So, that wraps our segment, What about Bob. Bob will be getting $2000 as a bailout for his troubled laptop.”

Oprah: “But wait, I have a gift for the audience. A cool new shiny aluminum 13 inch Macbook Pro for all of you as my gift”

(Audience goes wild, cheers and applause everywhere! while the eardrum of the real audience watching the show on TV, blasts into 1000 pieces).

Bob’s show ended shorter than he expected.

Bob goes home with $2000. But his virus problems are still not resolved. Bob doesn’t know how to fix the laptop with the $2000 bailout that he received. Bob goes to someone named Dinesh Babu in a random IT Office.

Bob: “Can you fix my laptop from this virus for $2000?”

Random IT guy named Dinesh Babu: “Sure.”. Dinesh Babu goes on to fix the laptop in 5 minutes and claims $2000.

Bob: “Thank you so much. I am so happy now. My laptop can now run for a long time.”

Random IT guy Dinesh Babu goes on to buy a new Macbook Pro with the $2000. Lucky Random IT guy Dinesh Babu.

PS: No offense to any of the personalities mentioned above. I think they are great people and I really like them. Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Oprah Winfrey, Dr. Oz, Suze Orman are all great personalities and It is an honor for me to feature them in my totally insignificant and completely crappy humour post.