Road trip can be fun, but:

1. The total time taken for reaching the destination is calculated with the formula:

Total Time = X + iY

Where X is the estimate of time duration provided by Google Maps.

Y is the Total Rest stop time that we are planning to take.

i is the Number of Insects that come and hit your car Windshield to commit suicide.

2. Murphy’s Law of Road Trip states that “If it is your turn to drive the car, and if a freeway can be closed then it will be closed and you will have to follow the Detour for some unknown amount of time”. During this condition, following the GPS will lead to going round and round the same place like a daredevil stuntman in a cage. If you are yet to have lunch at this point, you will feel like a highly charged particle going around the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), not that I have any experience of going through it or knowing how it will be.

3. Freeways are built by human beings and is not a direct creation of God. Hence, freeways are subject to Natural damage and will need to be worked upon once a while. So if you are not surprised at Road Construction signs then you are an Atheist, Otherwise it may be your first road trip, just make sure you don’t fall behind a truck. If you fall behind a truck don’t curse God if you are an Atheist. If you don’t understand this then you will scream “Oh my God!” whenever you enter a Road Construction zone and fall behind a Truck that won’t budge a single mile per hour beyond the posted speed limit.

4. If you miss an exit the GPS lady will automatically adjust to your fallacy, recalculate and provide you with a new route automatically. This does not mean in any way that the GPS lady is in love with you or attracted to you or having wet dreams about you. But the problem is, you will fall in love with this lady and you will be obsessed with touching her once a while to find out the route, next rest stop exit, restaurants etc.

5. You will love to compare the number of miles you drive with the distance in India. What you can cover here in 4 hours will need about 8 hours in India. So as we drove 600 miles one way during the trip we had travelled from Madurai to Chennai (444 Kms or 276 miles, which takes about 8 to 9 hours by train or 10 hours by road), had a little business meeting and then drove back from Chennai to Madurai all on the same day. It is fun to do this comparison.

6. Did I say the GPS lady is not in love with you and certainly not having wet dreams about you? Yeah, don’t even have second thoughts even if you are desperate.

7. Law of Road Trip Inertia: When you reach the destination, come to a complete stop and retire for the night, you will still be feeling that you are in the freeway. Your dreams during the night will involve rectangular sign boards of different colors and shapes, speed limit signs, white dotted lines and the Voice of the GPS lady (But no, the GPS lady isn’t going to dream about you)

8. Your back will hurt. Resistance is futile. If you manage to sit in a yogic posture in an attempt to minimize your back ache, your neck will hurt. If you try to nullify your neck pain by bending down slightly, the pressure will be passed down to your rear. In any case, atleast one part of your body will ache and you will know more about it during the night at the motel.

9. The big circular red sign with a slash in the middle that comes up on the GPS screen when it becomes horizontal doesn’t indicate that you have to keep your coke can perfectly aligning with that sign. Now, this is a kind of wet dream that the GPS doesn’t want to have.

10. The probability that a Super 8 motel franchise is run by a desi is 1 billion to 1. So if you end up in a Motel run by a Gujarati Desi fellow, please do not hesitate to ask him for directions to the Ganesha Temple. He will be much more accurate than the GPS lady by 18 miles. Do not be afraid that the GPS lady will break up with you, remember she wasn’t loving you in the first place.

11. It is easier to pass Trucks when they are not there. Trucks are like Auto Rickshaws in India. You never know about their driving style. The time between beginning to pass the truck, driving a safe distance ahead of them and changing the lane back to the right lane is slightly short of 25 blight years, where 1 blight year = 1 blinking light from your Indicator.

12. For every 30 miles on a given freeway there will be an Indian restaurant named Tandoor. How else when you drive on a freeway with nothing but mountains and forest on either side with SUVs threatening to pass you anytime and Road construction sign popping up randomly between kids getting restless in the back seat, the GPS lady shows up with Tandoor Restaurant in Clarksville, TN coming up in the next 27 miles? It is either a freaking coincidence or there is an Indian Restaurant named Tandoor in every 30 miles of a Freeway. I am fairly comfortable believing in the latter.

Wise people used to say “The Journey is the Reward”. Road Trip has a lot in store for you as a Reward. In spite of all the buts you will love it because Road Trip to me symbolizes freedom.

PS: For the last time, GPS lady definitlely is not in love with you, now get over it.

1. Reema says:

Interesting analysis! and very hilarious!
I have not been on a long distance road trip yet.

2. There is a huge difference between long road trips in India, and outside of it.. What you’ve just thought to be normal, is a long dream into the future for many Indians, and a few of those would write a similar post comparing the 2 countries in the years to come!

GPS is a lady? To a man, most non-living things like ships, cars, and now GPS are feminine, but how many of you would trust a car saleswoman or a female captain or a woman’s directions? For most women, any non living thing is either gender-free or is a She.. We hardly give a non-living thing a ‘He’.. right?

You must have had a great time.. It shows! π

3. Dinesh Babu says:

Reema – Thank you, you should try a mini road trip in India too, it is fun π

Aparna – Yes Indeed, there is a big difference between roads in India and here in US and so the difference in the road trip. Hopefully in Future India will catch up with the west and I am positive about that.
GPS is a lady because GPS has a Woman Voice that gives us directions π We hardly give a non-living thing a He because we want to associate it with a work of Art, Grace and Beauty. The one word answer for that is Woman. I think God worked hard for 10 billion years to perfect the Woman and then created a Man to protect her within the next 2 seconds π I had a great time on the road π

4. Anniyan says:

The GPS lady is NOT in love with me? How could you Dinesh? How could you say that? π She is the only lady whom I know that can provide approximately correct directions. π

5. arvind says:

nice facts π
have u seen the movie road trip ?? π

6. Nikhil says:

So, where did you go on a trip? π
And lemme guess, you bought a new GPS or this is perhaps the first time you’re actually using it? And, I definitely thought I saw some chemistry between you and the GPS lady… How do you know when she’s having a wet dream? Does she scream and moan instead of telling the directions? I’m curious…

Mrs. Dinesh Babu, your husband is contemplating having an affair with the GPS lady! Keep him locked in!!! π

7. @Dinesh – π

You are a married man! You appreciate a woman for who she is.. There should be more like you on this earth! π

8. But preferably in the Singles department.. π

9. vishesh says:

i want t osee the LHC! lol in Chennai,the free left sign implies that PTC bus has to block the way…heard the new travel time between chn and trichy is only 3 hrs π i have never used GPs π ..hmm…trucks…well u know how it is here…one goes on the left,another on the right…so…;)

10. Dinesh Babu says:

@Anniyan – Yes, GPS Lady doesn’t love any of us in particular π Sometimes she can provide wrong directions when there is Road work π¦

@Arvind – Thank you π Yeah I have seen Road Trip Movie and it was gross.

@Nikhil –
“So, where did you go on a trip?”
St. Louis and Nashville

“And lemme guess, you bought a new GPS or this is perhaps the first time you’re actually using it?”
Nope, just the first time writing about it.

“And, I definitely thought I saw some chemistry between you and the GPS lady”
No Chemistry, only Geography, directions I mean.

“How do you know when she’s having a wet dream?”
I thought I said she wasn’t having one π

“Mrs. Dinesh Babu, your husband is contemplating having an affair with the GPS lady! Keep him locked in!!!”
Oh, dont worry. The GPS lady is out of his league, he doesn’t even stand a chance π

11. Dinesh Babu says:

@Aparna –
“You are a married man! You appreciate a woman for who she is.. There should be more like you on this earth!”
I am sure there are many like me π

“But preferably in the Singles department..”
Unfortunately, this is a wisdom that comes to man after he is married. But if you find one single with this thought, you should grab him tight.

@Vishesh – I didn’t know it took 3 hours from Chennai to Trichy, I thought it was more like 6 hours. I dont think GPS is commercially in India yet, may be I don’t know. Trucks are James Bonds in India π

12. Mandar says:

Traveling in India can be modeled at n dimensional differential equation where there are no discrete outcomes. The value of ‘n’ is also a random variable whose value is uncertain for Heisenberg’s principle as well.

13. maxdavinci says:

The only woman with a sense of direction is the GPS lady, how can one not fall in love with her?

Also if you start talking to your GPS lady, it measn that you need to pull in to the nearest rest area!

14. Dinesh Babu says:

@Mandar – That was funny π

@Maxdavinci – A Woman is full of Grace and when there is Grace, there will be no mechanical knowledge of direction, which is why men are good at directions.

“Also if you start talking to your GPS lady, it measn that you need to pull in to the nearest rest area!”
That I agree!

15. rambodoc says:

I didn’t know you did humor…
Nice to have science even in driving on highways.
The way to tackle GPS ladies (or any ladies worth tackling) is beyond science, though.

16. Dinesh Babu says:

@Rambodoc –
“I didnβt know you did humor”
Everyone has some humor in them, whenever I find it in me, I display it. I have a small list under the humor category

“Nice to have science even in driving on highways”
Man has put science everywhere π

“The way to tackle GPS ladies (or any ladies worth tackling) is beyond science, though.”
And I am trying to ponder if it is an Art

17. Rahul says:

Nice Post π right now I am reading ‘the motorcycle diaries’……its a brilliant book

You can change the GPS voice from He to She. Do u know?

You can change the GPS voice from She to He and vice versa. Do u know?

1. Dinesh Babu says:

Cool, I didn’t know GPS did Mimicry π he he π

20. Thank you for the opportunity you gave. Good luck ………..

21. Sukri says:

Ha ha ha… I had fun reading this! We’re planning on a road trip and was planning on a visit to the Ganesha temple at Nashville and chanced upon your blog. BTW any idea if there’s a canteen at the temple.. afterall one of the reasons we go to temples is for the south indian food!

1. Dinesh Babu says:

Thanks π Glad you enjoyed. Yes, the temple has a decent canteen, where you get pongal vadai idli coffee tea. I think they will be there in the morning and not sure about Sunday. Better to call them and find out to see if anything has changed, as this was 2 years back.